Friday, July 26, 2013

Projection: Superficiality

I've become interested in projection lately. Not as in wanting to do it, but wanting to identify and understand it. I'm now fairly certain that many things my ex-wife accused me of in our marriage were projection: her projecting her own fears, insecurities, and sins back onto me and accusing me of them.

There's a post on Return of Kings about superficiality. The author doesn't specifically mention projection, but I think he nails the concept. The post is called "In Defense of Superficiality".

Ironically, the women who blame us for being superficial are actually more superficial than us. A straight guy with a healthy sex drive is not going to be as picky about selecting a partner as an average woman will be about selecting a guy to go out with, let alone have sex with. As long as the girl has a decent body and her face is not ugly, she is “doable” in most guys’ eyes.
An average Western girl, however, is ready to dismiss a guy based on petty and extremely superficial details that would never matter to a guy in a woman, such as dirty shoes, non-matching socks, a suit that doesn’t quite fit him, dorky haircut, etc. If she is hot, she will be hot and desirable to us, even if she drives an old beat-up van. And if she is not hot, the latest Ferrari is not going to make her any more desirable to us.  However, in many cases an average looking guy will be far more noticeable if he drives an expensive sports car. This is not to blame women or point fingers at who is better and who is worse, but to simply point out facts about our nature.
In other words, when a woman accuses you of superficiality, she is projecting her own superficiality back onto you. She assumes you are just like her. 

In disagreement with the author of that post, I don't think superficiality needs to be defended. I think the frame needs to be flipped. As in, don't respond within the frame presented, but change it. Frame is something else I'm trying to understand, and I'm getting close.
I'm seeing this projection in other areas. I read somewhere that the long-going accusation that men "objectify" women is really women projecting their own behavior back onto men. Women treat each other and men as objects, and assume we in turn treat them only as sexual objects. I've never thought I treated women as objects.

I suppose I should add a disclaimer. Other bloggers who write in this genre are accused of "hating" women (projection!) I do not. I tend to like women in general quite a bit. There are a few specific women I want nothing to do with, but for the most part, I enjoy the interaction I have with them and I look forward to my next relationship with one.

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