Thursday, September 05, 2013

Dalrock's Call To The Kendrick Brothers

Dalrock has a new post up claiming to have found the sequel to Fireproof. My rewritten summary of Fireproof is here.

Dalrock links to another blog post, but does a good enough job summarizing and commenting on it, I'll provide you the link for reference.

Rather than rehash Dalrock's post, I'll just add my comments.

Evangelical Christian (Churchian?) marriage advice usually boils down to placating your precious wife, who is holy and blameless and can do no wrong. If your marriage isn't working, you have obviously failed. You must beg her for forgiveness for any infraction real or imaginary you may have caused. (True story: in my first year of marriage, I had a dream where I was at some kind of store. I must have talked in my sleep and my ex wife would not let go of what I said: "Stacy, where are your electronics?" Yeah. 12 years later, she was still bringing that up. The churchian advice to admit wrongness and beg forgiveness is somehow flawed, because my ex-wife had none to offer no matter how many times I apologized and begged forgiveness for talking to another woman IN MY DREAM. And that was a minor wrong of all the ammunition she kept over the years.

I think a lot of (hopefully well intentioned; they wouldn't steer us wrong, right? Right?) churchian marriage advice boils down to projection. That is, projecting one's feelings and or desires onto another person, and assuming that person wants or feels the same way, then dealing with them on the assumption that they do. I've covered this in other posts.

So to most men, if we were trying to storm out of the house with the intention leave our wives forever, if she were to jump in the way in tears begging us to come back and forgive her, most of us probably would soften our hearts and stay, or at least ask for some time to cool down and promise to return.

The problem is, it doesn't work the other way. I'm not aware of any man's wife who ever responded to the "Oh, God! I'm so sorry! Please don't leave! Please forgive me! Please, I'm begging you... (weeping too much to speak coherently after this point)". It doesn't work. I think my ex-wife lost respect for me every time I tried that. It never worked. Even though that's what all the Christian marriage leaders said to do.

At this point, after one divorce, I'd like to think I'm immune. The next time a woman threatens to leave, I don't think I'll look up. "Ok, great. Can you put some pizza bites in the oven on your way out?" I kind of wish I'd responded a little more like that to my ex-wife's statement that she wanted a divorce. None of my begging or pleading worked. I appealed to God, to her sense of wanting to give the children a stable family, to the 12 years we already had invested. None of it worked.

And I don't plan to ever do it again.

If anyone were to ask for my recommendations on Christian marriage advice, I would not recommend Dennis Rainey. I don't think I would recommend the vast majority of popular evangelical Christian ministry leaders.

Over the last couple years, I've been doing a lot of reading about "game". This can be a tough subject. Some game writers are concerned pretty much with picking up girls and getting them into bed. I read a few of them because I can get some interesting knowledge from them. I tend to stick to people like Vox Day, who writes about the "socio-sexual hierarchy".

It's self evident that men and women are different. Though we are "mankind" we have slightly different physiologies and needs and we respond to things differently. One of the things "game" has helped me to do is understand the psychology of women. It does no good to try to project my own wants and needs and feelings as a man onto a woman. Just as it does no good for a woman to project her own wants and needs and feelings onto a man, like the single mother I blogged about yesterday. I feel bad for her, but nothing in that Reddit thread made me want to get her number or a picture.

I don't believe men and women should treat each other as enemies. It's very sad that many do.
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